It's been awhile

So I got ragged on today about not posting on this blog for awhile...i missed April and May completely and then have one in June, but the month is almost over.
So, what do I say... I don't have much to say.
I have been focused on my world race blog and all of that fun stuff.
But a lot has been happening for me.
1. I leave in 2 weeks.
2. I will be gone for min 3 months, maybe 6 and hopefully 11 months from the U.S.
3. not sure what the Lord is doing in my life involving relationships
4. I have had the greatest time getting ready for this adventure of a lifetime.
5.spending time with friends and family before I am separated from them for who knows how long.

I will figure out a couple more blogs to add before I leave for Ecuador on July 12th!

Can you say awkward?!?

Awkward Conversation with a 3 year old

We all know kids do the darndest things. We all know kids say crazy things and even do crazier things. Well tonight I had one of these conversations with a three year old. She was play pretending on her phone. I asked who she was talking to. She said nana (her aunt). Later I asked who she was talking to. And she said daddy. I pick up my phone and ask her who am I talking to, and she said ‘Your daddy’. I honestly just kind of shrugged it off. Then she kept asking about my daddy. Where he was. Who he is. If I am calling him. Then if I was texting him. And I couldn’t really answer her questions and she didn’t understand why. I tried to answer the where is he one. I told her in heaven with God, but that blew way over her head.

And one day she will understand. But for now she is in her own little world of purity. Where everything is set and safe. If only we were able to go back to that and feel secure in who we are and in our lives.

Brotherly Love

I’m an only child and I know God intended that for a reason. But I also know he placed people in my life to take the place of siblings for me. One of those people is Martin Cordova.  I call him my hermanito (little brother), even though he is a couple years older than me. We met on a mission trip to Peru in 2009. He is Peruvian. He was our translator. I remember meeting him for the first time. He scared me. I’m not gonna lie. He intimidated me. He had this thug/gangster (American viewpoint of) look to him. We didn’t talk for the longest time. And then before I knew it, he was my translator. It was me, my friend Emily and Him in a group for a week doing hospital ministry. And it was then that we clicked. 

We became super close. We kept finding all these things in common. Odd things at that. About our lives. Our likes. Our dislikes. I think God made us twins, but separated us at birth to be in different countries and at different times.  This past summer, I spent some free time and guess who was my chauffeur?? You guessed it!  When he picked me up in the hotel, it was awkward. Then going back to his house. It was an awkward day. A day we will never forget. But we began to be more comfortable with one another as true hermanitos should be. Spending two weeks with him, traveling all over Peru was amazing and I wouldn’t trade those two weeks for anything.

Then I come back to the States and we are separated. When he dropped me at the airport, it was one of the most emotional goodbyes of my life. I don’t know what happened, and I won’t tell details to spare Martin ;) but it was so sad!

A couple nights ago we were talking through facebook message. Him on facebook and me on my phone. And I became super sad… I MISSED MARTIN SO MUCH!  It’s like when I left Peru, I left part of me there. And it is waiting for me to come back and retrieve it. I’ve never felt this way about someone. Especially never a guy! But it’s not a romantic type of love. It’s a friendship type of love. It’s a brotherly type of love. A godly type of love.  And I know with Martin, God placed him in my life for a reason and I am so blessed to know him.  But when we are far away from one another, there is this Martin shaped hole in my heart, that only he can fill. 

And as I was thinking about this, it’s kind of light twilight. I will have my Edward, but Martin is kind of like my Jacob. I need him. I love him. Though I am not meant to be with him, he is an intricate part of my life. And it pains me to be away from him, but it’s all good. There will be a day.

Persecution: Prepare for it; Resist it

So how can we prepare ourselves? Simple.
Imitate the disciples. 
Linger long and often in the presence of Christ. 
Meditate on his grace.
Ponder his love. 
Memorize his words. 
Gaze into his face. 
Talk to him. 
Courage comes as we live with Jesus.

Would be be bold tomorrow? Then be with Jesus today. Be in his Word. Be with his people. Be in his presence. And when persecution comes (and it will) be strong. Who knows? People may realize that you, like the disciples, have been with Christ.


**Taken from Outlive Your Life by Max Lucado**

I once was blind, but now I see.

So I had this dream last night. I will admit, it was pretty scary and at first did not make any sense…until I began to think about it in a biblical context.  The first thing I remember is that we would always be on a school bus, looking up to the person in front.  This lead person would force people to do some crazy and outrageous things.  I never really understood why they would listen to him and do what he says even if it was stupid.  In my dream, I felt really lost. Really confused. And really misdirected.  

The next thing I know, I am sitting closer to the lead person and he is now giving me instruction on what to do!  Even though I knew that he was crazy and that I shouldn’t listen to him, I couldn’t help it!  It was like he took control of me and had me do whatever he said.  His command for me was to ‘gouge out my eyes’.  Right there in front of him.  I didn’t want to. But the next thing I knew, I am tearing at my eyes, ripping out my eye balls from their sockets.  When I am done, I am blind. (well duh)  And the leader person is very please with me.

Since it was a dream, I was also omnipotent and could see myself from outside of my body.  So while all this was happening, I could see it from my personal perspective, but also from the perspective of an outsider.  I somehow maneuvered really well blind. But my eyes were pretty much big holes. They were deep holes of blackness. Nothingness. I was so disappointed and hurt and even more lost now without my eyesight. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to turn or who to talk to. 

I was somehow texting (yeah I am that good!) and trying to talk to someone about my issue (probably complaining). And then I am sitting down and my phone starts to ring. I did not want to answer it because whoever was calling I did not really know and had no desire to talk to.  But I finally decided to answer it, and the person on the other line (all I can remember is their name in my phone started with a P, but it was like a nickname), told me to turn to God. To give him my problem and he will take it all.  It took me a few seconds to listening and then in my dream I said “God help me!” 

At that exact moment, I woke up from my dream. My eyes flew open. I could see! Once awake the first thing I said was “Praise God (it was only a dream)”. The dream had me scared to go back to sleep.  That somehow I would really lose my eyesight. It was terrible.

Then today during church I was thinking about it, and this is the interpretation that came to me.  The leader person is the enemy.  He tries to control us. To make us do stupid stuff that goes against our nature. He will make us do anything (even gouging out our eyes) in order to break us down and make us incapable of doing anything.  The reason me and others on the bus listened so easy was that we were caught up in the world.  When we are too focused on our own lives, on worldly possessions and activities, this lets the enemy take control so much easier.  We are so distanced from God that the enemy takes a hold and controls us with no resistance.

Even though I listened and was controlled by the enemy, God was there. He was waiting for me to cry out to Him. To come to Him. To need Him. And the moment when I was re-focused on God, my eyes were opened and the dream was over!  And though God is always there, it stinks that in my dream I had to learn that after being controlled by the enemy, instead of being close and secure in God all the time.

Another small part of this which is specific to my case in my dream is that the enemy blinds us. He blinds us to the needs of this world and blinds us regarding our own potential. God is the one who opens our eyes and helps to be all that He has for us to be.

This dream really opened my eyes (literally) to following hard after God every day. To not let the enemy take control of my life ever again. I am God’s both now and forever.

Relationships.....

There was once the story of a girl named Jamie… la dee da dee da. 

Anyway. So the day before I went to Mexico, I talked to Daniel for like 4 hours. It was tough. Knowing I would not be able to talk to him for a week. I was so worried about how I would do effective ministry without talking to him. I just knew that all I would do all week is think of him and miss him.

On the last day of the trip, I realized… I hadn’t been thinking of Daniel at all.  I was talking to my best friend Emily about it and she told me I needed to be honest with Daniel about my thoughts. I was scared. I knew he would be mad. Here I am in Mexico not thinking of him at all while he is at home thinking of me probably 24/7.

I talked with him this morning and I told him the truth. I was completely honest.  And while telling him, I heard God tell me “Jamie its okay for you to be single. I want you to be single right now.” Honestly, I can say I have never heard God’s voice so clearly. Until now.  He distinctly told me that at this stage in my life, I need to be single.

I was an emotional wreck all day. It was horrible. Crying all day. Angry. I so much did not want to let go of the relationship I had formed with Daniel.  But I knew God wanted me to. After a day of praying and thinking and crying, I decided it needed to be done. So when he came online tonight, I told him I have something to say. He asked “Good or bad” I sad more so bad.

And I told him my feelings. About God and how being single is going to allow God to work in my life like never before. I need to become complete in God before I am ready to be in a romantic relationship.

So I have decided all the time I spent talking to or thinking about Daniel will now be spent with God.  And Daniel took a lot…  A LOT of my time. So I know this is what God wants and desires for my life so I am excited for this new season of my life before the World Race.

What is Love??

Love is probably the hardest emotion to describe.  Happiness, hate, anger, sadness, joy, friendship, sorrow… these I can explain. But love is different.  What is love?  More than that, what is true love?

Every time a girl is in a relationship with a guy she really cares for, she says she is in love, but is she really?  What constitutes as being in love?  I’m pretty sure there is no right answer, but it is unique to each person.

Why would I be pondering this emotion, unless I felt that I was in love? The words ‘I love you’ are always thrown out there. I learned from a friend not to say them unless I truly mean them.  That those three words have more attached to them than anyone could ever guess.

I realized tonight that I feel some of the emotion of love that can’t be explained.  Every time I talk with him, I don’t want the time to stop.  Even though sometimes we talk for 2-3 hours at a time, it’s not enough. I cherish every moment I get to chat. Even disregarding my favorite TV show or even my homework.

I also realized that I want to tell him everything that happens to me.  I am constantly writing to him on facebook; either in a message or on his wall. With communication sparse between us, I use every minute I can to tell him about my life, even the small and seemingly unimportant things.

Even though I could be having the worst day, when I talk to him, everything seems better.

And these are just a couple of the examples, that don’t explain the emotion of love, but rather how I show my love when I feel it.

And I know as time goes on for us, our love  and relationship will only continue to grow into God wants it to be.