To be confident in the Lord

One thing I have learned this month is to be confident in the Lord. To trust him completely. Even with the small aspects of my life. Sometimes I try to do it all myself. Which ultimately I know never works. But then why do I keep trying? It doesn’t make much sense if you ask me.

I realized I am quiet because I either:

1. Feel I have nothing worthy to say 

or 

2: feel like people don’t care. 

Those are the bases as to why I am quiet and reserved most of the time. Good to know right? Well this past month I learned that I do have something to say. I learned that I can be confident in what the Lord has called me to do.

Christ is in me and nothing can change that. Now I just have to continue in that confidence when speaking.

(**I hope this makes sense. Trying to write this blog in a room full of people talking.**)

Why Me.

Why does it always seem to be that my past comes back to haunt me. When I was finally beginning to heal of the ache of losing someone I care deeply about, things happen in my life as to where they seem to be placed back in.

Before I left for the world race, something happened, and someone I cared deeply for was torn from my life. I was told to forget them and that they would forget me forever. Who wants to hear these words before leaving on an 11 month mission trip. Not me. But after giving the pain and hurt to God, and after a month being immersed in ministry and the culture of Ecuador, I was finally beginning to heal. Beginning to forget the hurt. Forget the pain. Forget the love.

Now we enter month 2 into our ministry and guess what my luck is? To be in the same city as them. To even be near them makes it difficult for me. For fear of seeing them. For fear of thoughts and feelings that may return. This was what happened first. Then I talk to a friend today and hear how this person feels for me and then things just kept flooding back into my life. Thoughts. Feelings. Mainly confusion.

Alone

How can I feel so alone when I have so many people around me?
I leave in a week for the adventure of a lifetime. but am I ready??
and even though i should be happy about leaving.. i'm not.
if i could change everything right now... would i? I might.
sorry if this is scatter brained. i have so many emotions going on right now, it's not even funny.
i dont know what to do.
or what to think
i'm leaving my family and my biggest supporters
all my friends are away in different countries/states, so thats not much change
and relationships, who even knows...
i just feel so alone. and on my own.
i dont know what to do.

It's been awhile

So I got ragged on today about not posting on this blog for awhile...i missed April and May completely and then have one in June, but the month is almost over.
So, what do I say... I don't have much to say.
I have been focused on my world race blog and all of that fun stuff.
But a lot has been happening for me.
1. I leave in 2 weeks.
2. I will be gone for min 3 months, maybe 6 and hopefully 11 months from the U.S.
3. not sure what the Lord is doing in my life involving relationships
4. I have had the greatest time getting ready for this adventure of a lifetime.
5.spending time with friends and family before I am separated from them for who knows how long.

I will figure out a couple more blogs to add before I leave for Ecuador on July 12th!

Can you say awkward?!?

Awkward Conversation with a 3 year old

We all know kids do the darndest things. We all know kids say crazy things and even do crazier things. Well tonight I had one of these conversations with a three year old. She was play pretending on her phone. I asked who she was talking to. She said nana (her aunt). Later I asked who she was talking to. And she said daddy. I pick up my phone and ask her who am I talking to, and she said ‘Your daddy’. I honestly just kind of shrugged it off. Then she kept asking about my daddy. Where he was. Who he is. If I am calling him. Then if I was texting him. And I couldn’t really answer her questions and she didn’t understand why. I tried to answer the where is he one. I told her in heaven with God, but that blew way over her head.

And one day she will understand. But for now she is in her own little world of purity. Where everything is set and safe. If only we were able to go back to that and feel secure in who we are and in our lives.

Brotherly Love

I’m an only child and I know God intended that for a reason. But I also know he placed people in my life to take the place of siblings for me. One of those people is Martin Cordova.  I call him my hermanito (little brother), even though he is a couple years older than me. We met on a mission trip to Peru in 2009. He is Peruvian. He was our translator. I remember meeting him for the first time. He scared me. I’m not gonna lie. He intimidated me. He had this thug/gangster (American viewpoint of) look to him. We didn’t talk for the longest time. And then before I knew it, he was my translator. It was me, my friend Emily and Him in a group for a week doing hospital ministry. And it was then that we clicked. 

We became super close. We kept finding all these things in common. Odd things at that. About our lives. Our likes. Our dislikes. I think God made us twins, but separated us at birth to be in different countries and at different times.  This past summer, I spent some free time and guess who was my chauffeur?? You guessed it!  When he picked me up in the hotel, it was awkward. Then going back to his house. It was an awkward day. A day we will never forget. But we began to be more comfortable with one another as true hermanitos should be. Spending two weeks with him, traveling all over Peru was amazing and I wouldn’t trade those two weeks for anything.

Then I come back to the States and we are separated. When he dropped me at the airport, it was one of the most emotional goodbyes of my life. I don’t know what happened, and I won’t tell details to spare Martin ;) but it was so sad!

A couple nights ago we were talking through facebook message. Him on facebook and me on my phone. And I became super sad… I MISSED MARTIN SO MUCH!  It’s like when I left Peru, I left part of me there. And it is waiting for me to come back and retrieve it. I’ve never felt this way about someone. Especially never a guy! But it’s not a romantic type of love. It’s a friendship type of love. It’s a brotherly type of love. A godly type of love.  And I know with Martin, God placed him in my life for a reason and I am so blessed to know him.  But when we are far away from one another, there is this Martin shaped hole in my heart, that only he can fill. 

And as I was thinking about this, it’s kind of light twilight. I will have my Edward, but Martin is kind of like my Jacob. I need him. I love him. Though I am not meant to be with him, he is an intricate part of my life. And it pains me to be away from him, but it’s all good. There will be a day.

Persecution: Prepare for it; Resist it

So how can we prepare ourselves? Simple.
Imitate the disciples. 
Linger long and often in the presence of Christ. 
Meditate on his grace.
Ponder his love. 
Memorize his words. 
Gaze into his face. 
Talk to him. 
Courage comes as we live with Jesus.

Would be be bold tomorrow? Then be with Jesus today. Be in his Word. Be with his people. Be in his presence. And when persecution comes (and it will) be strong. Who knows? People may realize that you, like the disciples, have been with Christ.


**Taken from Outlive Your Life by Max Lucado**