If I have to choose....

So I just had my phone interview for the World Race. I should know by next Thursday if I am accepted or not.  How stressful!! Ha ha, but this will show me if God wants me on the World Race (WR) or not.

Something I have been struggling with is Daniel and the WR situation.  When I first told him, he was upset, but quickly turned around and was completely okay with me going and waiting for me for a year.  Too good to be true right?  Well it was.  I find out that he had lied about that and in reality he does not want me to go on the WR.  He wants me to return to Pacasmayo this summer because he needs to be with me.  When I found this out, I was (and still am) angry with him.  I thought he understood that God came first in my life and that was exciting, but in reality he wants to be first even though he says differently.  I feel like he thinks he is the only one with emotions and that this decision only affects him. It is so hard to convince him otherwise.

During my interview, the girl asked if I was in a relationship, and I said yes. And she said previous people in relationships focus too much on the significant other rather than being on the race.  I do not want that to be me. But I also do not want to let Daniel go. Selfish I know.  But maybe in reality, Daniel and I are not meant to be together.

I want to go on the WR. I want to serve God and give God all of me.  But exactly how do I do that?  Sometimes sacrifices have to be made, even if we don’t want to. I am really going to be in prayer about this for the next few days.  

I have already decided that if I have to choose between God and Daniel (because I feel like I can’t have both at the moment) then I will choose God.

Could it get any worse???

So I think I can pretty much say it was a horrible day. One of the worst days in my life.  Last night I bawled.. a ton. And then I woke up with a really sore throat and a stuffy nose and pretty much felt physically drained and weak. So that started it out.  It was a blah morning. Things going slow. Then it all went downhill (down a huge mountain is more like it).  I won’t name specifics or anything, but everything little thing, bothered me.

And usually family get togethers I do get annoyed being so introverted and what not, but it takes a few hours, this morning it took like 5 minutes.  So I was already feeling like crap and then, I had to go to a funeral. I tried to be okay with people, but it wasn’t working. I tried not to think of it, but it wasn’t working.

So anyway, we go back to my apartment after the reception.. there is like 100 people there! Ha ha, that’s an exaggeration. There probably was like 20. It was so crowded. And people knew I was in a bad mood, and it would have been perfectly fine to me if they would have ignored me or avoided me or whatever they had to do, but of course they didn’t.  People kept bringing stuff up and doing things that annoyed me which just made everything worse.

I was so annoyed. I have not been this annoyed with anyone in a long time (and this is my family, how sad!!) I would snap at people, be rude, give dirty looks, anything you can think of that is wrong, malicious, uncaring.. I did it.

I feel horrible about it now. I feel like a jerk, but I couldn’t help it.  I think what made things worse is that in the beginning, I tried so hard to hold it in. I did not want to snap and ruin someone else’s day on this sad day for our family.  I tried to keep it all in me so that no one else had to feel as bad as I did. I took it all on myself. And it was just bottling up inside until… well I never officially popped, but I snapped at more than a few people.

I really need some alone time. Some Jesus time. Some quiet time.  

Last night on the phone, Daniel asked me what was God teaching me yesterday, I told him patience with my family. Did I really hear God telling me that or was I just giving an answer to Daniel. Obviously I know God is working on this in my life, and it was pointed out in our conversation for a reason, but I still ignored it and let the enemy get the best of me. Not next time!

My Grandma

How does this happen? I think it was a week ago when my mom and I were making plans for my grandma to come live out here with us. And now, one thing happens which leads to a chain reaction of things and we don’t think she will make it through the night. I totally understand God’s plan to ‘bring people home’ as my family keeps calling it, but how can one week someone be great and we are making plans, and then the next they are so close to death that all the previous hope we had the week before has diminished completely. I wanna say it's not fair, but it's life.

Lord, please be with my family today; for those near and close to my grandma.  Lord I ask for your comfort and strength to surround us.  Wrap my grandma in your arms and give her peace as she draws closer to you today.  God, help our faith not to dwindle but that this would draw us ever closer to you. God increase our faith today as we focus on you and that you are glorified through this.  God I praise you for my grandma, for all the wonderful years she had and as we continue on, help us to always remember the good times we had with her.  Lord we love you and we thank you for all that you do for us. Reach out to each of my family members and help them to know that you never leave or forsake them; but that you are there with them through every moment of today. In your name I pray. Amen.

Can it be?

So I have had an emotional 24 hours here. I finally got up the nerves to tell Daniel about the World Race. I told him I applied and all the details and what not. Last night I was at the movie theater and I start to get phone calls and then A TON of facebook messages from him. They didn't seem too good. I couldn't read them all, but he seemed really upset about it.
I wasn't able to speak with him last night.  But this morning I wake up to like 15 missed calls and again a ton of facebook messages ha ha. We begin to talk on skype.. and oh my it was amazing.
He is completely understanding of the World Race. He wants me to go. When he told me this, the tears came and couldn't stop!
This is like one of the most unselfish things a person could go. Let someone go. Giving up the chance to see them. He told me he was very sad last night, but went to the church to pray. Man, I don't even know how to put this into words, but he knows that God is calling me for this and he does not want to be in the way of God's plan for my life.  Wow.. those words meant so much to me.
We talked for awhile. He knows (and I know) that it will be hard, but if this is what God wants for my life, everything will work out in accordance with His plan.
So Can it be that I have found the right guy? The one who is willing to take a back burner to God?  Who cares so much for me living my life for God that he would sacrifice so much? Hm...
Praise God everything is turning out. Thank you Lord.

The World Race

So for awhile now, I have been praying about going on The World Race.. which is an 11-month, 11-Country mission trip. The experience of a lifetime. I was scared to tell my mom. But I finally did (even though it was through a facebook message) But I did. Not a bad reaction like I was expecting actually. She was more worried about me raising the money, or leaving her alone with her school work. Ha ha.

So  today I applied for the trip. What a big step! I am now leaving it in God's hands. If it is His will for me to go on this trip, then I will be accepted and raise the $15,000 needed. But if not, I will take it as God wants me here.
Please be in prayer with me during this time. As I stay strong to God's will and calling for my life.
I have a phone interview on Wednesday, so we will see where things go from there.

To be honest I am super excited!